
Joan Didion has written about how notebooks are essential in keeping memories.
Twitter and Facebook and Instagram ruined our memories, making us all-too dependent for affirmation and hype, that the only memories we stick are those with the best filters, that the principles that win are those which are retweeted the most, and liked the most.
Then there’s the hard drive on our laptop where we dump our brains and hearts, assuming they’ll forever be saved, and we can just go back there anytime we want to.
I have a problem with keeping a journal.
For one, my penmanship is shoddy, and I had to begin writing at the back of my notebooks. I lost track where they’re resting, and my twin brother once snooped around it, read one entry where I bashed him for meddling on my religious exploration in college. He told mom, and mom told her neighbor friends because she can’t imagine me turning away from Catholicism. Also, the world is too harsh for a lefty, sweaty hand.
My thoughts are rambling around anything. My journal entries were with Nevermore, my 2010 Samsung laptop. They were in some folders: 1. journal entries; 2. drafts; 3. dates. My terrible poems I modelled after Sylvia Plath and Joni Mitchell also were with Nevermore, my 2010 Samsung laptop. My early drafts of unpublished essays using the font we call Garamond were with Nevermore, my 2010 Samsung laptop. My germ of ideas for writeups were written on the Notepad with Nevermore, my 2010 Samsung laptop. My unsent letters were with Nevermore, my 2010 Samsung laptop. My academic papers, letters of complaint, screenshots, travel pictures, videos, and prayers were with Nevermore, my 2010 Samsung laptop. Notice the past tense with Nevermore, he brought it to his grave when the local disk was damaged, and I couldn’t reclaim them anymore.
“I just want to preserve memories without being overwhelmed by standards, without sacrificing authenticity. “
So I bought Joan Didion—not the writer but the Macbook—in 2018. My unsent letters are in the Notes I wrote in Elsewhere Held and Lingered, the name of my iPad. It has its sync features so the unsent letters I composed lazily in Elsewhere Held And Lingered go to Joan Didion, the Macbook. Then my other writings are in Word. Sometimes divided by date, or sometimes by theme, but is all around Joan Didion’s folders: desktop, downloads, and documents.
Joan Didion scares me sometimes. She’s a Sagittarius, so I wouldn’t know when she’ll leave me. I’m referring to the Macbook, not to the writer.
I imagined recording on Voice Memos, where I may capture my voice for some important events. I am fascinated with podcasts. I listen to it on a daily basis. But doing it freaks me out because I hate hearing my squeaky voice. I hate speaking, and as I told my friend while I was stammering, “I can’t even finish a fucking sentence!”
My students told me one of their favorite hobbies are watching vlogs, and I thought, oh, it’s a nice option. But the thought of my thought whispered to me, “No one’s interested with you. You have poor lighting. You have a poor camera. You have few shirts to sport. You can’t even make your bed. Your bedsheet is for your eyes only, because your mom sewed it for you. Your pillowcases do not match your bedsheet and curtains. You hate hearing yourself, that muffled squeaks and the uhh-ahh.”
I am ready to give up social media apps. In my gadgets, Messenger is the only app remaining and in use. I need a break, because I have developed anxiety and depression, and it’s a toxic and artificial realm. I have no chill. I hate it when people ignore me, hate it even when I figure out nobody reads me, hate it even more when I figure out snide remarks and Twitter blocks from people important to me.
I lurk at my favorite writers’ website, and read their blogs. I thought it’s cool to do the stuff done by Jessica Zafra and Conchitina Cruz and the late Luis Katigbak. George Ezra’s website also has a ‘journal’ section, and that’s my favorite part. I figured that by publishing my entries on a blog, I will not be overwhelmed or pressured by the page visits or trends. WordPress and blogspot are rarely used now. People my age are too busy with their lives to read a long, rambling essay, which is why vlogs are a thing. I won’t mind if I won’t receive any comments or encouragement, because it’s given that we have short span of attention, so I will not be surprised if this activity seems like talking only to myself. And if you are able to reach this part of this entry, we have something in common and know that I treasure you already for spending four minutes (?) (I am poor on guesstimating) with me. Please hang on, because I have other things to say on the next paragraphs.
I cannot commit to write each day, or each week, but it’s safe to say that I will write anything here for now. Instead of poring over my Facebook and Twitter doing nothing, I’ll organize them here.
If I’m comfortable to share, I might write about my mental health, my talk therapy, and running.
I will write about things I’m passionate about: the books I read, the albums and podcasts I listen to, my recipe, my travels, politics, my advocacy.
I write essays, but I might write poems, post pictures, or write in Tagalog or Bisaya. There😎 will 🤬 also 😰 be 😈 emojis 🤡 because 💁🏻♂️ they 🧖🏼♂️ elucidate🐶 emotion 🙊, except🤖 this: 👊🏼
I do not promise to write like Joyce Carol Oates, but I promise to write like an irreverent prick.
I just want to preserve memories without being overwhelmed by standards, without sacrificing authenticity.
I won’t get mad if you won’t finish reading this.
I won’t even promote my entries on my social media accounts, except for this, so people may know where to reach me.
Going back to Joan Didion, not the Macbook but the writer, she wrote: “We forget all too soon the things we thought we could never forget. We forget the loves and the betrayals alike, forget what we whispered and what we screamed, forget who we were.”
From now on, I’m keeping a journal. For me.
kloydecaday@gmail.com
Photo credit: the indefatigable Blessie Arellano
Some write for fun
others write
because if they didn’t
the words
would grow
and fester
and burst from the seams
of their souls.
Some words
are safer down
on paper.
-Atticus
Always here for you. God bless. ☺
LikeLiked by 4 people
This is beautiful. Thank you for your support 🙂
LikeLike
It’s nice to see that you write again! Do what’s best and healthy for you. And you know I’m always willing to read your work. Will pray for you! Hugs and see you around!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Yes! See you soon unta. Keep in touch 🙂
LikeLike
Love this. So happy to discover your blog and looking forward to more! I agree with social media being toxic. It’s also one of the reasons why i created my wordpress account. I just want to have my own space with my own rules. 😊
LikeLiked by 2 people
Wow, thank you! I am a fan of Mervin Malonzo po. I am so happy that you found my blog, because I long for a community of readers. So fascinated with your book reviews! Hope to review more books this week too, but I do not know how to do it hehe
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. Pero wala din naman ako structure basta kung ano lang 🤣 i’m sure you’ll write better reviews at aabangan ko yan 👍🏻
LikeLike
Hey Princess. Just as I promised, I wrote a book review. I hope you like it! https://kloydecaday.wordpress.com/2019/07/24/books-on-faith-terrify-me-until-anne-lamott/
LikeLike
Same. I don’t want to forget. 😭😭😭
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks! To be honest there are things I wasn’t able to write because I was too confident, because I was too happy I didn’t think I’d go low. All of a sudden, I realized I needed to record the things that made me happy so I can cling to them when I’m on the bottom. Thus the blog 🙂
LikeLike
Hello Kloyde!!! I’m so glad that I found your blog and I really love your writing. I like the fact that you name your gadgets from real renowned people XD I’ll have to look them up! Happy blogging Kloyde, it’s quite liberating. ^^
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks for the warm welcome! The grass is greener here 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Welcome. This is an honest post. I try to keep my work backed up but at some point I should print it out. Enjoy blogging and let yourself go with it, especially if the goal is not to please but to inform.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you Robert! Yes, I would post stuff about running, book reviews, confessions, and political situations. I love it here because I have helped more people to accept themselves especially on their mental condition as I come forward with mine as well. Looking forward to read your posts!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I believe – we should write about our experience. If we can make ourselves happy, others also will get inspired and thus will be happy.
LikeLike
I found you through A bookish type book blog. Good luck with your blog!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi! Thanks for picking this up! I am now on my 11th post. I write about running, mental health, politics, and reading. Here’s my recent post:
https://kloydecaday.wordpress.com/2019/09/13/the-course-of-true-love-and-mental-health-too/
LikeLike