To whom it may concern:
If you fall under the category of the brokenhearted, the depressed, the friendzoned, the ghostee, the abused, the stuck, the invisible, the solitary, the incomplete, the waitlisted, or the abandoned, I am giving this letter to you.
So February 14 excludes you from those who will celebrate this day with their partners, huh? All your life you are taught that it takes two persons for love to work, and you would prefer this scary feeling to be journeyed with someone you call dearest. Yet you are certain the dearest you’re ready to offer flowers to wouldn’t even manage to spend a second to check how you feel today.
Unbeknownst to many, Valentine’s Day is yours.
You lost your mind and it hurt like hell, and it might still hurt. If there is anything to remember and be proud of on this day, it is the fact that you risk loving someone and falling prey to what this emotion entails because you prefer to give than ignore what’s inside. It is not easy to reconcile the fact that the least you can do now is to accept that they would be happier alone or with someone else’s arms. It will take you a lot of days, or maybe years to regain that self-confidence you once have.
I am very sorry that these terrible things are happening to you. The least I can do is to support your healing and believe that you will overcome.
Disclaimer: much as this note is shared to you, I’m anyone under the said category, or even more. For more than 1 year my stomach turns as I face the mirror seeing from the reflection all my flaws, my inadequacy. Rejection never felt good; no matter what validation I can derive from the people who appreciate me, my disposition refuses to listen to them. Eating alone hurts. Watching happy people hurts. Getting up in the morning hurts. Watching my dearest be happy without me hurts.
But our bodies, no matter how fragile they appear to be, have the capacity to be healed if we allow ourselves some self-respect. Terrible things happen, but it’s not final.
So if you will, please sign up for this fellowship of the unwanted and let us do this together.
First of all, it’s natural that you are sad. Nothing is more painful than a love that did not amount to anything. So do not deny despondency and be honest with yourself that life is not on your side right now. Numbing it down will not get you away from the fact that you were hurt. The empty or extreme feeling of loss cannot be set aside, especially that we have no idea when the similar situation will hit us again. Cry it all out, and call a friend you trust to unpack the emotional baggage. There’s an empty page on your journal waiting for your release. Feel it all until you are sane enough to move along. There is no assurance of being free from the same feeling, but in the future, you will have been wiser.
We think that we are unloved because we magnify ourselves to the treatment of the ones who do not love us back. I hope we’d be able to adjust our lens and widen our perspective to see that there are other people out there willing to catch us. We have overlooked the other forms of love we can feel: love from our parents, friends, workmates, students, readers, pets, etc. etc. etc. We can learn to accept these loves while waiting for the right person to love us romantically.
Just because your love was unreciprocated does not mean you are not enough. The thoughts of feeling that you are very ugly or something is wrong with you should be nipped in the bud. Do not allow yourself to believe the negativities that the unfortunate situations might convey.
I had developed a chronic act of deleting my photos on my social media accounts because it’s pathetic to me. I’d feel useless asserting my presence to the one who does not care about me, much less notice that I exist or am changing. What I am afraid of is on how these self-destructive aggressions might fuel me to be cruel and hard to work with.
It’s hard, but I’m starting to accept the fact that we cannot make them love us.
Which brings me to my next pledge. We may not control the feelings of the people we love, but we are entitled to love ourselves. This is a matter of self-respect. In every rejection I experience springs a new passion. What am I looking for and why? How might I be a better person? After answering this question, go back from where you were left and pick yourself up. Maybe it’s time to explore activities that excite you. This will allow your interesting side to shine.
As for me, I am running kilometers. I join book clubs and lend my books to other people that they strike up a deeper relationship. I write in my blog in the hopes of reaching out. And I help and serve in any way I can. These make me healthier and more empathetic. Do it your own way, and I am sure that someone will notice how beautiful you are. You will someday notice who you are.
Self-respect part 2. It’s time to stop begging for a love we will not receive. Do not ask for the what-ifs, or the things you failed to do because it will make you hate yourself. Forgive yourself for the things that did not come into place. Forgive them too. You are doing these things because you know your worth and you are aware that do not deserve to be treated or ignored.
Continue to love anyway. You care for other people because you understand now the sufferings of a broken heart. To a person crying out for help, they will appreciate a pat on a shoulder, a song URL to remember there’s more to life, a hug, an affirmation for them to hold on.
I am thrilled to hear someday that you will feel a little bit better and be able to reminisce this trying times when your growth outweighs the hurt that radical love had inflicted. You are a beautiful person, and with a will to improve yourself, consider the next person lucky for finding you.
Looking at myself now, I never think I had even freed myself from the pain of longing and of the things I will willingly do but will not be seen. This feels like forever, and I am not sure when this will be over. But there is a slight improvement. There is acceptance, and a sense of pride that I had loved immensely. They cannot take away my capacity to love and I would choose to be dauntless and intense no matter what. I wouldn’t have done this without the people who found me stuck in despair and lifted me out of it. I thank them for valuing my silence and allowing me to bury my old self with dignity.
Cheers to you, and if cheering’s too much to do, there are still a lot of February 14 to enjoy.